Scoops and poops

Matt Krouse <krouse@...>


Matt weighing in. Not the ride itself weigh in, but a post ride weigh in.
Since RAGBRAI, there have been a number or riding events, non-riding events, and
discourses involving various members of RADPAN and I wanted to, well, weigh in
First off, the mayonnaise outted by one of my own brothers. How
humiliating. Yes Dub, that is my mayonnaise that you tasted at bus cleaning
only that wasn't really mayonnaise, if you catch my drift. I call it my
collection jar, or more aptly, the specimen jar. So rub-a-Dub-dub, for the
benefit of others, how does a testosterone shake really taste?
And as for the pistol-whip-it-good sisters, they do exist. I have met all
three of them. But here is the real deal, they belong to every riding club in
the DC area, and every other biking email group like our radpan@.... Every
one. So, let's see, they couldn't do the MS ride this year because they were
doing RAGBRAI, they couldn't do RAGBRAI because they were doing the Sept 11th
solidarity ride, they couldn't do the Sept 11th solidarity ride because they were
doing the Sea Gull Century, on and on and on oh, yes, the 3 Pistol Sisters
really do exist, but they just don't ride, in fact they don't even have bikes.
They just email regrets to anything and everything. Actually, I'm being a bit
harsh. They do ride, they just don't ride if it is wet or dry, hot or cold,
morning, afternoon or evening, or on months that end in a Y
So, I was looking at who was still a member of radpan@... and I
noticed the very last member. That was crotchety Joe in North Carolina.
Wordpros@..., and I noticed his profile listed him as a female by the name
of audiodescriber on yahoo. So let's see, if he goes into any of the hook up
chat rooms, he is listed as a female, OK, I see, I get it. some things are
better left unsaid (by the way, anyone reading this email can verify this as you
are also a member of radpan@...).
Let's see, we have a new member named Chris Farley. Yeah right. Joining
John Candy, Sam Kinison and John Belushi on RADPAN next year will be Chris
Farley. First there were the dead poets, then the dead presidents, and now the
dead comedians. Actually, Chris, welcome, I understand you are under 50, which
now makes you the youngest member of RADPAN. Which means next year you get to
set up every tent, every night for the whole week as part of your initiation
ritual. Don't worry, I did it, everyone on the team did it, you'll be fine.
Just remember to get to the host town by 1:00 PM every day, first you set up all
the chairs, then fill the shower tanks, then the tents, really not as bad as it
sounds, and Ill just tell you about your morning breaking camp duties in the
next email. The important thing is you get to ride 80 miles every day in about 3
hours. Don't worry; you are really going to enjoy RAGBRAI in 2004.
OK, some events. First we had the Sea Gull Century in early October in
Salisbury, MD. It is a one-day event, attended by approximately 7,000 riders and
it meanders down along the Atlantic shore and the wild ponies in Assateague
there were 6 RADPANers signed up, and only 3 posted. Doreen and I did the full
century, and Rudy cruised through the metric. Rudy would have done the full
century, but he had been up all night the night before, he had a pulled
hamstring, his left arm in a cast, his gears were stuck, his derailleur was bent,
his seat post was broken, he had the flu, a full colostomy bag, and another half
dozen maladies, so he did the 64 miler instead. Personally, I thought he was
sandbagging. Actually, the weather co-operated, it was rainy the day before and
the day after, but after 10:00 am, we were relatively warm and dry for the
flattest century I ever did. Also, Doreen pulled me the whole 100 miles, which
also had something to do with the fact that I felt so refreshed when we
finished Not posting was the Ken the Long Island girl scout Boeckle and
Boners (Boney and Andrea (phonetically pronounced Ann-Dre-A)), they had a dutiful
family obligation. Oh, and need I mention, the pistolettes were nowhere to be
Next up was the Jimmies party in Herndon in late October in honor of Tom
chicken roll Weaver coming to town. Turnout was sparse. Besides Mr. Weaver,
the other Tom brother made it (Tom Conrad). Tom Conrad walked INTO Jimmies with
a beer in his hand a cigarette on his lips, smoked and drank like no tomorrow,
and walked OUT of Jimmies with a 12 pack and carton well, it was a Wednesday.
Besides myself, also posting was the Rudy the Rude-ster Bartoldus. The four of
us shared how great we use to be, how fast we use to ride, how much we use to
drink (except Tom C, who never said a word because he was busy drinking and
smoking), and how all the past RAGBRAIs can never match the RAGBRAIs to come
I was wearing my lucky underwear hoping the pistolettes would post, but alas, it
was yet another booty-less night
Finally, in early November we had the highly anticipated bus cleaning. The
turnout was outstanding. From out of town we had Woody the Wood-ster from
O-HI-O, we had scary Perry from Philly, and the luscious and always provocative
Doreen from Long Island. Locally, we had the Boners ((A & B)who worked very
hard!), Rudy (that man is everywhere!) BartToldUs, Dub the Dub-ster(whose real
name is Edgar) Tuller, GPS Bill (vacuous stare, slack jawed, engaging
conversationalist that he is) Deegan, showing up late was Aaron and Koz (now,
correct me if I'm wrong, for those of us that watch the Simpsons, isn't Koz the
spitting image of Krusty the Clown?). Supervising and telling really fascinating
and compelling RAGBRAI stories from the late 1970s was our own Jeff I remember
the time in 1982 when Dunn. Watching the action was little Brian Dad, buy me
this Dunn, and someone from long time RAGBRAI team girlfriend named Debbie who
clearly Jeff and Koz was smitten on. Missing locally was Tom I smoke and drink,
but I don't clean Conrad, and John Bolling (who apparently is involved with some
lovers quarrel with Aaron), and Jimmy Ortte (who was traveling out of town he
alleges), and, of course, the pistolettes were no shows
After the cleaning was completed, the 14 of us cruised over to a local
watering hole, picking up a few stragglers, Tim Krouse posted for the drinking
part. Mike McBride, from 2001 and a former fishing boat mate, posted for the
drinking part. Dubs wife posted. You wonder who wears the pants in that
family? Shit, she wears ALL the clothes! Also, we had a couple other RADPAN
wannabes, and Perry unveiled his 2002 photo album, and, in my opinion was his
best ever! (that being because I was featured prominently, of course), Missing
also was the Peoria contingent, the Texas contingent, the Des Moines contingent,
that rascal JC from Kentucky, and a few other assorted goofballs like Mike
identity crises Turner, Joe can I get a hug Kahn, and various other members
we have succeeded in alienating over the years. All in all, the party at Club
219 (called that not because it is 219 King Street, but because the capacity is
219), went on for almost 4 hours. We moshed with the 20-somethings, compared
road rash scars, and eventually called it a night. All the Party All
Nighters(the PANs in RADPAN), went beddy-bye by 11:30 PM on a Saturday night
OK, so much for the scoops, now for a little serious housekeeping.
Uncovered in the incredible amount of stuff accumulated on Big Blue by Bones,
Ann-Dre-A, Doreen, and myself were a few items of value. If the value was over
$150, we kept it for ourselves, if the value was under $20, we put it various
gear tubs, and if it fell between those two parameters, it is listed here:

1) Hind medium Eat Fish blue and yellow bike jersey, complete with Lemond
biking hat, dirty handkerchief, and $112.00 in one of the pockets
2) Performance large dark blue nylon rain jacket
3) 2001 RAGBRAI XL jersey still in the bag
4) 2 sets of photos from 2001 and some year before. Pretty sure they belong to
Rick Thompson since Team Stop-A-Lot and Carl are prominently featured in the
photos (as well as some topless women from one of the beer gardens)

(I will mail these out to whomever they belong to, since I will undoubtedly get
20 emails claiming number 1, there is something else one of the pockets that
narrows the owner down to one of about three people)

Finally, since I bust on everyone else, I need to objectively bust on
myself. Hmmmm, let's see: Rivetingly charismatic, menacingly serpentine, and
possessing an almost shamanic intensity, I embrace and articulate the anthemic
fervor of RADPAN with a power and eloquence unparalleled by any of our otherwise
astute contemporaries. how does that sound? A bit over the top thought so
Alrighty then, time to go beddy-bye, to be continued

Matt, out

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