I'm alive and NOT well.

Matt Krouse <krouse@...>
 

Matt weighing in. This will be short. And serious.

OK, first off. Who is riding!?!

Tim Krouse (nickname: Slim)(brother) is not riding. I am going to brag on him,
he qualified for the Va State Open and Amateur in golf and will playing that
week.

Charlie Krouse (nickname: Slim)(cross bred cousin) is not riding. No one has
spoken with him since we all shook hands under the Bettendorf bridge on the last
day of RAGBRAI last year. We believe is still in a convoy in Kosovo.

Matt Krouse (nickname: Slim) (that's me) is riding.

Now, who is driving!?!

Here are my thoughts. I've been on RAGBRAI for two years. Both years Jeff rode
the first day and the last day, and sagged the other five. In fact, he rides so
little, I am not sure he even brings a bike on these trips. So he can be our
driver the middle five days, and one of the other 25 of us can step to the plate
and drive either the first and/or last day, and we are covered. As recall, last
year, Rudy sagged five days, Tom Weaver sagged five days, Jim Clark sagged five
days, and Dub sagged five days. So, we there may a cat fight on the bus as to
who gets to drive and who gets to play nanny.

Now, I was going to try and get Medina to drive. Yes, for those of you at
Jeff's November soiree remember Medina. My Nubian princess. The ebony half of
"Ebony and Ivory". For who don't know what she looks like, well she is the only
woman I ever dated who was bigger than me. And I weigh 200 lbs. She was
Shaquille O'Neal with breasts. Anyway, she is history. On international
breakup day number three, Feb 4(10 days before Valentines Day)(the others are
Dec 11(two weeks before Christmas) and the floating one, two weeks before booty
du jour's birthday), I gave her the standard "Welcome to Dumpsville, population
you" speech. Then she slugged me. Then I was admitted to the emergency room.
So, she won't be driving the bus, unless there is someone along to throw her a
bone (boner), and that won't be me. It took me a couple hours to get over that
relationship, but now I'm dating like crazy. On the first date I always bring
my stun gun, rohypnol, and Viagra, and I usually score, but getting that second
date has been difficult.

Speaking of boners, what is this about Andrea and Bones and the
congratulations? Is it marriage or something? Inquiring minds want to know.
Or is Andrea pregnant? Awwww, a little baby boner. In fact, when I was born my
daddy took one look at my umbilical cord and exclaimed "Good God, and what a boy
he is!!!". Now let me get this straight, Dub is not riding, and chatty Scott
Campbell isn't either, so the "Big Dog" torch has been officially passed to Mike
"Bart Simpson" Turner. Well, not if Sarah has anything to say about it. She
has been training in secret all winter long and as she told me in another email,
"Mike can just eat my perfume and potpourri scented dust".

Well, I've rode one time in the past nine months. I had triceps surgery at
Thanksgiving last year, and that has kept me out of the gym and off the bike for
five months of those nine months. So three weeks ago I climbed on my mountain
bike and did a one day Century charity ride for MS. On Sunday I was back in the
emergency room. Not for my sore quads or butt, but I got 4 cortisone shots in my
lower back. There was a lesson learned there. But I have no idea in hell what
it was. Anyway, I'm back to the doctor tomorrow and I'll probably get a couple
spinal epidurals (I got them the last two years prior to riding), and I'll be
good to go. However, if they fail, I won't be able to ride. (And I ain't
driving either, I drive like I write, all over the place).

So, I remember sitting around the campfire one night last year, with just the
guys. Suddenly, GPS Bill speaks up and says the name of his penis is "Boomer".
He doesn't call it that, but the ladies do. A few eyebrows arched. We were a
little taken aback, but North Carolina Joe chimes in and says his is called
"Joe". "Joe?" we inquired. "Yeah, Joe mama" he replied. Tom Conrad piped in
and said, well I'm partly from the Middle East and mine is frequently called the
"Persian Python". Jeff's turn. Mine is called "Tattoo" because it mostly
reminds women of that sexual juggernaut "Tattoo, from Fantasy Island". Wow!
Rudy said his was called just "MR" for "Maximum Respect". Dub weighed in with
his pet name "Mr. Rip Van Winkle". I wonder what that means? Bones then
commented "Mine needs no name when you through life being called "Boner"". To
that, Mike Turner gave his account that he is a very sensitive guy and the
ladies call his pee-pee "Mr. Softy". So cute! Perry just called his "Mr.
Happy". So adorable, and we'll leave it that. Mine? It is "Duke-zilla", which
is hybrid name for "Duke" and "Godzilla". Now if a girl is wearing a "Duke"
t-shirt, she is paying homage, if a guy is wearing a "Duke" t-shirt, he went to
college there.

Anyway, turning our attention from the gutter. Some luminaries will be missed,
others not. Beryl, you will be missed, but I support your decision. Unlike the
other guys who are goading and trying to guilt you into riding because they like
riding single file behind you, I endorse your commitment to your family. Us
girls have to stick together. However, Galen, if you fail to show, there will
be a can of Texas size whop ass opened on you. Speaking of Texas, Nancy is
bringing a man-friend, vaguely disguised as a RAGBRAI virgin. What is he going
to think when Nancy ends up in a different tent every night? I've known Nancy
for two years. You talk about confident, she doesn't even bring a tent or
sleeping bag to RAGBRAI. Have booty will travel. And what about Susan, the
team concubine? She has little men stenciled on her biker shorts, much like
fighter pilot aces use to stenciled downed enemy planes on the side of their
cockpit. So I guess this year Jeff won't be running off into the woods with a
different team babe every evening to "look for firewood" and then come back 45
minutes later with his zipper set to "Monica" and not "Hillary".

Who have I left off? Texas (The Tys-Devil) Dave? I saw him recently on Jerry
Springer. Ron and Paula? I can't give them a hard time. I just can't. It is
very difficult. It is like peeing in the pew during mass. Very difficult.
Although Ron did show me a way to do it without being detected. Thanks Ron.
And I am glad Paula got in every single mile last year, so this year, if she
wants to, she can take it easy. Somehow, though, I don't think she will. What
about our two boy toys? Howie and ____? Will they be back? Did they sleep in
one tent? I can't remember. And Randy? Now we need to replace him with a new
"step sister" to treat badly. Besides the obvious, (me) who will it be? Let's
see who else we haven't heard from. What about Captain Mike McBride? And Tall
Bill, I feel your pain!, but I know you're with us. How about Scott's dad aka:
Mr. Campbell? And where are the Water Pistol Sisters? One of them makes one
cookout one time in 1999 and now we lug their bikes and gear for the next ten
years. What is up with that? Jeff, did you at least get a complimentary hummer
out of the deal? Well, team historian Perry will be back, and that is a good
thing. I thought Jim Clark's attractive wife was going to drive, but I guess
not. So besides Ray and Winnie, have I missed anybody? This year we are going
to ride in honor of Ray and Winnie, I will wear my Ray and Winnie laminated
button every day on my jersey. Hey, I'm not joking. Maybe we could bring back
some luminaries from years gone past. Besides last year, I can only speak of
99, maybe sultry Colleen or her stud muffin younger brother. You talk about
being a stud muffin, this guy borrows a bike the day before the ride, smokes
cigarettes constantly, especially during hill climbs, and he still beats the
pants off everybody (yeah, Dub and Scott and Mike and Galen would beg to differ,
but I seen it!) How about chatty Joe "I can't stop talking" Ringes? Maybe Al
the Pal from Des Moines? I saw him last year. He was on another team. Team
Prison Bitch or something like that. I got an offer to join another team, Team
Crossdresser. I mean, it is really appealing to ride across Iowa in a camosille
and panties, but I love team RADBAN: Ride All Day, Brag All Night.

That's about it. I wish I had more to say, but I'm not feeling the love here.
I gotta get a girlfriend. I can't even buy a date. Well, I can, but it is
about $150.00 an hour. I have yet another blind hostage, errrr date, tonight.
Wish me luck. Until then, remember, never judge a man until you have walked a
mile in his shoes. Then, when you judge him, you are a mile away AND you have
his shoes. Matt, out

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