Date
1 - 11 of 11
Grandparents and "standard questions"
|
Sandra Dodd
A reader named Jen has sent a story with a question. I'm very happy to say that although the story is standard, the question is new, and very interesting!
___________________________________
We went out to dinner with my in-laws recently, and over the course of the evening, my MIL looked at my eight-year-old and asked, "What do you like best in school?" My hackles immediately rose; I felt like this was a test, and had the uncomfortable feeling we were all about to fail. I said nothing and let my daughter answer, and as the evening went on, I was more aware that it probably *wasn't* a question with any malice or "testing" intended, but simply a grown-up trying hard to connect with a child. It seemed similar to those standard questions posed by random adults trying to make conversation with a youngster: "What grade are you in?" "What's your favorite subject in school?"
My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly? Does that improve with time, or is it something I need to "work on"--and if so, how?
Or maybe it's normal?
I'd love any thoughts. I don't like having these adrenaline-laced bursts of anger/defensiveness whenever my kids are with this grandma. :(
Thanks!
--jen fletcher
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you quote, change "Sandra" to "Jen" if you remember. :-) Or just quote the words you're going to respond to.
Sandra
|
|
|
|
Hi all, First time response :) "What's your favorite subject in school?” I think that when you unschool this question can definitely elicit unwanted responses within you. Letting your child have the space to answer for themselves is great. If they are stumped or uncomfortable, you can join in by saying something about what they are interested in or spending time on right now. It doesn’t need to sound schoolish and can be the bridge to help the conversation move forwards. I was introduced to a term the other day ‘conversation repair’ I’m not sure where it comes from, but I liked the idea of a sort of repair kit for when a conversation has become stuck or gone awkwardly. Another idea is to have scripts for these types of questions. With my own children I have seen a variety of answers over the years, including “I don’t go to school” and “I’m home educated”. So these answers may leave the questioner at a loss, but I can then add to the conversation with some interesting information about what the person has been doing. On the one hand I feel like it’s sad that the only thing people can think to ask a child is in reference in to school but, on the other, I realise that these ’standard questions’ have been around for a very long time and most likely will remain so. As the OP stated the questions do show an adult genuinely trying to connect with a child which is great, so if we can try to help the fostering of meaningful connection then that is a good thing. This is even more important when the relationships are with people we love and care about, such as the grandparents in this case, rather than a random stranger with whom a short answer would suffice. My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly? Does that improve with time, or is it something I need to "work on"--and if so, how? I’m not sure if you can stop your response altogether but you can use it as a signal. It can let you know to be on stand-by to help if necessary. In the moment, some deep breathing could help to ease the defensiveness. I became less defensive the more I deschooled and that took time and is still ongoing. For me it improved with time and deschooling, so I think the way to work on it is to keep deschooling. Another thought I had is that the relationship we have with the person who is asking the question, can also play a part in informing our response, that is how we feel in response to a question being asked by that person. If the relationship is good, I’m less likely to feel anger/defensiveness because I know the persons intention is good. Being aware that this can impact the way I interpret meaning, can be very helpful in avoiding misinterpreting positive intention for negative intention. Warm regards Davina Harrington |
|
|
|
dola dasgupta-banerji
........My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly? Does that improve with time, or is it something I need to "work on"--and if so, how?........... The feeling of wanting to defend is normal since by unschooling, one is challenging a Norm, that millions all over the world subscribe to without much doubt. But when I read your story, I hear that you were already also equally aware that your MIL was trying to connect with her grand-daughter. Your MIL belongs to the Norm and therefore her point of references for connecting would naturally be school and school related stuff. It is a starting point for her and your daughter. From that point on the conversation could go anywhere. I feel, at that point if we could just pause, take a deep breath despite the defenses rising, wait to see where the connection goes, one might be surprised by life. I feel and I have done this in my journey, that pausing really helps for fear to be parked for a while and possibilities emerge that we might not have imagined. I think trusting the moment at the time like how you actually did with your awareness despite your defenses rising, helped you to see things differently and with love. By not actively giving action to your defense, you displayed compassion towards your MIL and also you did not start by challenging her, as, if she felt challenged then she might not like to enter your daughter's world again. So yes, keep working on that awareness, would be my response to you. ......Or maybe it's normal?..... So yeah, it's normal. But then unschooling taught me to challenge 'normal' ways of communication which often make us act out of fear and defense. I think both a sense of defensiveness and a wilingness to not succumb to that can co-exist, when we pause more, breathe more, stay silent a little bit longer than usual. I think both these when held with self-love, can inform each other on how one could act. Dola On Wed, 15 Dec 2021, 6:36 am Sandra Dodd, <AlwaysLearning+owner@groups.io> wrote:
|
|
|
|
-=-We went out to dinner with my in-laws recently, and over the course of the evening, my MIL looked at my eight-year-old and asked, "What do you like best in school?" My hackles immediately rose; I felt like this was a test, and had the uncomfortable feeling we were all about to fail.-=- The child will have none of the years of memories and associations and frustrations the parent has, so for one thing, if you're projecting your own sensibilities and defensiveness on to her, take a deep breath and distract yourself into some other topic or idea in the world, away from that spikey sharp place where you are, before you harm yourself or others. :-) After the first couple of times that awkward relatives asked my two older kids (when they were still that young) "What's your favorite subject?" THEY (the kids knew) and I knew that "subject" to the questioner was limited to math, science, history, language arts, music, art. :-) My unschooled kids did not have that list ingrained in them, so they took it to be ANYthing they liked, which is good. If the conversation might've been about to stall out, with the older relative starting to make it multiple choice of those "school subjects," I jumped in a time or two with a normal, everyday conversation boost, like "they've been doing a lot of boffer fighting," and then the older relatives asked what that was, and the kids jumped in enthusiastically, telling all about their favorite foam weapons, and who made them, and what the rules were. Then it was off of the awkward school question and on to real life and something they could talk about, and maybe demonstrate. Also, all the older people in the conversation will know that at least half the kids asked what they like best about school would say "recess," but my kids didn't have that term in them at all. :-) I avoided, purposefully, using the school-subject labels for things, so that connections and interests would flow more freely. My kids learned those terms later, figuring it out on their own, after they already had LOTS of happy experiences in each "field." Kirby knew a LOT about Ninja Turtles. Marty was great at puzzles and at assembling things that needed assembling. I found that the most productive and peaceful place to be, with grandparents and kids, was the children's museum (Explora, in Albuquerque, which was in a couple of longterm temporary places, when my kids were very young, and eventually got the big, nice building they're in now). The grandparents saw it all as interesting and educational, whilc my kids saw it as a play place full of big toys, magic tricks and games that they were familiar enough with to show the grandparents. More about dealing with questions about subjects, and about thinking about it oneself as an unschooling parent/facilitator: https://sandradodd.com/subjects Sandra |
|
|
|
***I felt like this was a test, and had the uncomfortable feeling we were all about to fail.***
***My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly?*** When people quizzed us during our unschooling years (we're done now, after 13 years), I approached it as a fun opportunity to answer questions. We got a lot of schooly questions over the years because my husband is a professor in computer science. At faculty gatherings I'd regularly get asked what we were doing, how, why, etc. I remember one time at an outdoor BBQ being almost grilled by (pun intended!) a line of retired male professors and their wives. It was slightly weird and intimidating, but I looked at it as a challenge. I figured if I could make *them* see how much enthusiasm and learning there was in our day to day lives, then I was in the process of leveling up on my ability to communicate what we were doing. In my mind, they were like the Bosses at the end of a game! Haha! When we left the gathering, the one professor's wife stopped and thanked me for sharing our experience. She said it was enlightening and inspiring. I remember it well because her compliment in her strong Southern accent really made me smile. Ethan too, I noticed.
All of this is to say that if you can make these questions fun for yourself and learn to see and share all of the joy and learning in your days with an open heart and a sincere appreciation for the unique choices you get to make for yourself and your family, then it won't matter as much what the other person's intentions are. Most of the time, if you are enthusiastic about what you are doing with your kids, other folks will see and appreciate it, even if it's different from what they know. On occasion, they'll celebrate it with you too.
It was always important for me to remember that we were living in the world in a way that was unfamiliar to most people. We weren't living on an island, separate from everyone, doing our own thing. What I came to understand was that most people just wanted to know that we were safe--that our son was getting the kind of exposure that was healthy and happy and would eventually lead to an adult who would have something of some value to contribute to the world around him. That I could put their minds at ease was usually enough. That I could do it with a clear enthusiasm for the opportunity we were given was even better.
Ethan got to witness the fun and enthusiasm in my shared responses too. I believe that helped him feel more confident in what they're doing as well, which, of course, was a wonderful bonus! Karen James
|
|
|
|
***I believe that helped him feel more confident in what they're doing as well, which, of course, was a wonderful bonus!*** I meant to write: "I believe that helped him feel more confident in what we were doing as well, which, of course, was a wonderful bonus!" Sorry about that! Karen James |
|
|
|
Inspiring story, Karen, beautifully written. I grew up Southern Baptist. Karen did not. don't know that for sure, but here are my two best clues: She's Canadian, and she (being a good writer), did not see what she did here: That I could put their minds at ease was usually enough. That I could do it with a clear enthusiasm for the opportunity we were given was even better. Ethan got to witness the fun and enthusiasm in my shared responses too. I believe that helped him feel more confident in what they're doing as well, which, of course, was a wonderful bonus! What Karen did was (in the terminology of Baptists and some other religious people of the U.S., and maybe other places) was witnessing. So after her story of having the spirit move her to share how blessed their life was, she wrote "Ethan got to witness." That term is what shook me into seeing the whole thing in that light. Back to the reality of her writing: Karen didn't use the words I used, but here (for those who don't know) are the principles behind "witnessing" as used by evangelical kinds of people: IF what you do/believe is valid, then you and your own life should be evidence of its value. IF your faith is strong, and based in something good, then if you share information about your life, it should be inspiring to others who will have higher regard for you and maybe/perhaps, even want to be more like you, or to know more. So I will lay off the personal excitement, a bit, but it WAS fun for me to read it that way. :-) At the grocery store one day someone was asked questions about my present-on-a-school day kids, one of whom was walking, and the other two were in the basket of the shopping cart/trolley. It was a friendly, older couple, who seemed to think the kids were interesting, and content, and so struck up a conversation. They weren't critical, just curious, and asked about lessons. I told them we didn't homeschool like that. I said "We play all day, and they learn like crazy." They liked the answer, because the kids were being charming, maybe. :-) Karen had more time, at that cook-out, and was taking on the challenge of "beating the boss" by addressing a bunch of PhDs in one place! Impressive. My most on-the-spot experience might've been the discussion after dinner at the home of the parents of an unschooling mom in India. :-) Those things will happen, at grocery stores, maybe in your own house, at restaurants, at parties... (Holly reminded me of a long-ago restaurant encounter just a few days ago.) Keep in mind a story or two you can share to avoid the deer-in-the-headlights problem. Be prepared, and then don't be surprised if you don't need the stories. :-) Sandra |
|
|
|
Fortuitious find!
"My dd (now almost 14, but maybe only 9 at the time) and her brother and I were at our local Mennonite heritage museum. They had their picture taken in the old fashioned school house posing with a "teacher". The reporter asked my daughter what her favorite "subject" in school was. Without batting an eye, she turned to me and asked, "Mom, what's a subject"? The reporter looked a bit taken aback! I still remember then the impact on me of realizing how different my children's lives are developing from mine, with life as just "life", and not measured by bells, the start of September, punctuated by Xmas and spring break and "is this on the test"! The impact of that is reinforced to me and them as they get older and I and they see their peers disenchanted by school." Tina Bragdon wrote that in 2014 and it was preserved here: https://sandradodd.com/mindfulofwords.html <hr> [I came back in to add...] OH, DOH! I got so excited about finding that, and went to put it on the page SandraDodd.com/subjects, and it's already there. Well, good, I guess. :-) Sorry to those of you who had already followed the earlier link and seen it! It's a great story.
|
|
|
|
Katie Robles
"We play all day, and they learn like crazy."
***** Oh, I'm going to start using this. My current go to response is that we're eclectic homeschoolers, and if people ask more questions I might say we learn primary through experiences or it's based on the needs of each individual kid. These have worked great for strangers, but I think saying we play all day and learn like crazy would be great for my kids to hear me talking about. My 14 year old has always been rather critical of how unschooling. She's told people in the past that we don't do anything. She's in school by her choice right now, and doing well academically. One of her teachers told me "Whatever you did, it WORKED." So, I definitely need an explanation that will help the kids understand it better themselves, I think. Regarding grandparents, I was homeschooled myself and very vocal about homeschooling then-future grandchildren, so it wasn't a big surprise for the in-laws once the kids actually hit school age. My mother-in-law currently keeps quizzing my seven-year-old on money denominations. It irks me, and drives my husband crazy. We've talked to our son about it and he says he doesn't mind because his grandma gives him the coins after. So we try to recognize that his relationship with her and his perception of "schooly things" is different than ours. |
|
|
|
***We play all day, and they learn like crazy.***
Yes! I love that. I used to say something like, "You'd be surprised how much one can learn by living fully in the world!" Then, if I had time and the person seemed interested, I'd share a short story or two as an example.
Like Sandra said, keep in mind a few cool stories. This is where watching our kids becomes so valuable. Playing with them when you can is great too because you can bring those stories of a shared learning experience into your conversations with others. It's hard to argue against that kind of personalized immersive investigation.
As unschoolers, we get to see up close and be a part of our kids' learning. That was just so cool and such a great privilege to me. Doing so enlightened me about all of our human potential--my own included! That, in turn, gave me a bit more compassion for the folks asking questions. I came to understand that they, most often, just wanted to learn as well. I figured I might as well make answering their quesitons fun and interesting for everyone if and when I could. Sometimes I didn't have the energy for that, and that was okay too. :)
Karen James
|
|
|
|
Jo Isaac
==My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly? Does that improve with time, or is it something I need to "work on"--and if so, how?==
I think yes, yes and yes! I found a way to stop defensiveness from rising was to be prepared - have 'answers' and/or 'deflection' - similar to the stories others have told, if Kai didn't want to speak up, I'd enthusiastically start talking about all the cool things he was doing, all the cool places we had been. As he's got older, he's very good at doing that for himself. And yes - it improves with time. The more confident you get with unschooling, the less defensive you will feel. And yes - it is something you can work on now. Firstly, as described above - get prepared and expect those questions. And, as others have said - realise they are coming from a place of love and interest and a Grandparent trying to connect with a grandkid the only way they know how.
==Or maybe it's normal?==
I think it's normal in the first few years, as you feel less confident, and are still deschooling, for sure...but that doesn't mean you can't work on it too 🙂
Jo
From: AlwaysLearning@groups.io <AlwaysLearning@groups.io> on behalf of Sandra Dodd <AlwaysLearning+owner@groups.io>
Sent: 15 December 2021 12:06 To: AlwaysLearning@groups.io <AlwaysLearning@groups.io> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Grandparents and "standard questions" A reader named Jen has sent a story with a question. I'm very happy to say that although the story is standard, the question is new, and very interesting!
___________________________________
We went out to dinner with my in-laws recently, and over the course of the evening, my MIL looked at my eight-year-old and asked, "What do you like best in school?" My hackles immediately rose; I felt like this was a test, and had the uncomfortable
feeling we were all about to fail. I said nothing and let my daughter answer, and as the evening went on, I was more aware that it probably *wasn't* a question with any malice or "testing" intended, but simply a grown-up trying hard to connect with a child.
It seemed similar to those standard questions posed by random adults trying to make conversation with a youngster: "What grade are you in?" "What's your favorite subject in school?"
My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly? Does that improve with time, or is it something I need to "work on"--and if so, how?
Or maybe it's normal?
I'd love any thoughts. I don't like having these adrenaline-laced bursts of anger/defensiveness whenever my kids are with this grandma. :(
Thanks!
--jen fletcher
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you quote, change "Sandra" to "Jen" if you remember. :-) Or just quote the words you're going to respond to.
Sandra
|
|
|