Balance


jennifercroce37 <jennifercroce37@...>
 

How do you balance the needs and wants of your child with your own? For example, my 2 1/2 year old daughter wanted me to sit down and do puzzles with her. I sat down for a few minutes with her to do them but I had to take care of other children (I run a daycare)and to be honest I really didn't feel like sitting with her at that moment. She is able to do the puzzles on her own so it wasn't like she needed my help. Of course when I didn't give her the attention she wanted she had a tantrum which then aggravated me and the conflict began. So my question is how do you cope when you really don't want to do something with your child or you aren't able to because you have other responsibilities that need your attention?

Thanks,
Jen


 

-=How do you balance the needs and wants of your child with your own? -
=-

http://sandradodd.com/howto

-=- I sat down for a few minutes with her to do them but I had to take
care of other children (I run a daycare)and to be honest I really
didn't feel like sitting with her at that moment. -=-

Be very careful about using "had to" on this list. <g>

http://sandradodd.com/haveto

-=-She is able to do the puzzles on her own so it wasn't like she
needed my help. -=-

This argument is used by a badillion parents to stop reading to their
children as soon as the child can sound out a few words. "She can
read now, she doesn't need me to read to her."

-=-Of course when I didn't give her the attention she wanted she had a
tantrum which then aggravated me and the conflict began.-=-

The conflict began before you were aggravated. You were aggravated
that she wanted her mother?

-=-So my question is how do you cope when you really don't want to do
something with your child or you aren't able to because you have other
responsibilities that need your attention?-=-

Learn to want to do things, or find someone else to do things with or
for your child.

Most extreme case: give your child up for adoption. At least
consider it. Because until people have made a choice, they're not
making choices. If you choose NOT to give your child up for
adoption, you might see more clearly the obligations you have to a two
year old baby.

Sandra


Verna <lalow@...>
 

--- In AlwaysLearning@..., "jennifercroce37" <jennifercroce37@...> wrote:

How do you balance the needs and wants of your child with your own? For example, my 2 1/2 year old daughter wanted me to sit down and do puzzles with her. I sat down for a few minutes with her to do them but I had to take care of other children (I run a daycare)and to be honest I really didn't feel like sitting with her at that moment. She is able to do the puzzles on her own so it wasn't like she needed my help. Of course when I didn't give her the attention she wanted she had a tantrum which then aggravated me and the conflict began. So my question is how do you cope when you really don't want to do something with your child or you aren't able to because you have other responsibilities that need your attention?

Thanks,
Jen

This evening my 6 year old asked me if I would help him set up a domino run. I was making dinner and told him yes, but could he wait till after dinner. After dinner he wanted me to make some cookies and he wanted to help, so we did that. Then I cleaned up while he played with his siblings. Then he wanted to read me a book. By this time I was tired and wanted to get in bed and read my email and watch a movie. He on the other hand asked again about the dominoes. Now, he is 6 and not 2 but I asked him nicely if he would not mind if we waited till morning because I was very tired. He accepted this. Today, I have built with legos with him, read to him, played Mario and Sonic at the Olympics and Rock Band, played house etc... Therefore he was much more accepting of my request to wait till tomorrow than if we had done little together. I have found even when my kids were 2, if I honestly gave the kids the time/attention they needed from me, then they were more accepting of giving me time to myself.


Jennifer Croce <jennifercroce37@...>
 

--- On Sat, 4/4/09, Verna <lalow@...> wrote:
 
I have found even when my kids were 2, if I honestly gave the kids the time/attention they needed from me, then they were more accepting of giving me time to myself.<
I think that is my problem, I have very little time for myself.  I am more or less a single parent right now due to my husband's work schedule (he is a CPA and it is tax season).  I run my home daycare and am the primary person responsible for all the domestic and child related duties.  I have been better about making time for myself (I run and am training for a 1/2 marathon in 2010 and get monthly massages) but I feel it really isn't enought.  I do love and enjoy being with my children which is why I am learning about unschooling. 
 
Thanks,
Jen


space_and_freedom
 

--- In AlwaysLearning@..., "jennifercroce37" <jennifercroce37@...> wrote:

How do you balance the needs and wants of your child with your own?
For example, my 2 1/2 year old daughter wanted me to sit down and do
puzzles with her. I sat down for a few minutes with her to do them
but I had to take care of other children (I run a daycare)and to be
honest I really didn't feel like sitting with her at that moment.
She is able to do the puzzles on her own so it wasn't like she
needed my help.
She wasn't asking because she needed help, she was asking because she wanted your company. She wanted her Mommy.

She probably doesn't like sharing you with other kids.

Do you have a tendency to put her needs/desires on the back burner because you feel obligated to the parents of the other kids in your care? (seeing as they are paying for a service?)

I don't know how I'd be able to meet the needs of a 2 1/2 year old if I was running a daycare. (2 1/2 is very very young, if you have babies in your daycare you may be seeing your daughter as older and expecting too much from her.)

This may not be an issue of balance, this may be an issue of being pulled in too may directions to do your best for your daughter.

Good luck,

Jen H (DD8, DD6, DS3)


Jennifer Croce <jennifercroce37@...>
 

--- On Sat, 4/4/09, space_and_freedom <space_and_freedom@...> wrote:
 
She probably doesn't like sharing you with other kids.<
I am sure she doesn't which I realize is normal.  My girls get jealous of each other and fight for my attention.  I do make sure I spend some one on one time with her during the day (I'll put the daycare kids down for nap and then spend time reading and nursing her before she naps.  Some days, like today, she didn't nap and was with me instead).  I spend time in the morning with her when she first wakes up and before she goes to bed (again nursing, cuddling and reading to her).  I decided to open a home daycare so I could work and still be available for my girls (I run my daycare on the school schedule so I am done work at 4pm, I don't work on Wednesday and am closed whenever the schools are so I have a lot of time off).  Even though it isn't perfect, I feel it is a  lot better than working outside the home and having my girls in daycare or before/after school care.  No situation is perfect and I am doing the best I can. 
I believe the girls learn a lot from the daycare and it provides peer interaction for my younger daughter.
 
She wasn't asking because she needed help, she was asking because she wanted your company. She wanted her Mommy.<
I realize she didn't really need help but just wanted my attention.  Between my other obligations and my personal feelings at the moment I just wasn't able to give it to her.  I did spend some time with her it just wasn't as long as she wanted. 
 
This may not be an issue of balance, this may be an issue of being pulled in too may directions to do your best for your daughter.<
I'll admit that I do feel stretched to the limit at times, but I think we all do at some point or another.  It is a balancing act of meeting my business obligations, personal obligations and my children's needs.  I specifically designed my business so I could be with my children.  I feel like they have benefited from me doing this even though it means I can't always give them the time and attention they want.  I realize I made the choice to open my daycare and that choice has both positive and negative outcomes.  I think the positives outweigh the negatives most of the time.
 
Jen
    























[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


kelly_sturman <kelly_sturman@...>
 

--- In AlwaysLearning@..., Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

This argument is used by a badillion parents to stop reading to their
children as soon as the child can sound out a few words. "She can
read now, she doesn't need me to read to her."
I LOVE THE POWER OF STORYTELLING AND THE POWER OF MYTH.

I *still* enjoy being read to, tho' I do a lot of reading on my own,
and I am nearly 40. I don't get read to much though, b/c I am usually
the reader; I am the favored reader. I read to my husband and my kids at
bedtime. Everybody cuddled up in our bed, and my DH enjoys it every bit
as the kids. Everybody takes turns picking what will be read next, so it might
be _Bartimaeus_ or Shakespeare or _A Hole is To Dig_, or _Goodnight Moon_
or Nancy Drew, but I haven't yet met somebody who has grown to old to enjoy
being read to. It is so nurturing, the rhythm of the words washing over one while
one cuddles up with one's beloveds. Which is better, staying awake to hear the
end? Or falling asleep to the comforting rhythm of a loved one's voice?
You really can't lose, either way!

I have the luxury of not having an "outside" job (but the challenge of
meeting the needs of five medically specially needy kids, which is pretty
much a full time job in itself), but I keep coming back to this: I intend
to enjoy these amazing people's company for as long as they are willing
to include me in their lives. And if I am respectful, they may choose to
include me for longer, and more often.

For me finding balance is making peace with what is right now.
Right now might mean everybody has a stomach virus; that's bad, right?
No, that's good. That's a physical reminder to slow down, hunker down,
cuddle up, make homemade ginger ale--sooooo much better for sick tummies
than the store bought stuff (which contains no ginger at all!)--and just give
in to what is.

Or right now might be a "car day" where Mom's taxi is busy moving
children to one activity to another. I could choose to be annoyed b/c
I'd prefer a slower lifestyle. But I can also choose to be pleased to have
the time, in the car, to connect with the passengers. LOTS of good
talks happen in the car on the way to the things we choose to be
doing.

Kelly Sturman


kelly_sturman <kelly_sturman@...>
 

And this is why I love this list! This is why it helps me to grow!
This is the inverse statement I got from a doctor I had contacted
regarding potentially adopting a child that we did end up adopting.
"Doc," I said, "I fear this child has undiagnosed ____ and if we bring
it to the attention of the authorities, they will say she is too sick to
be adopted. But if we don't, the stress of the move from her
orphanage to our family could throw her into a life-threatening
crisis. So, how do we avoid that crisis?"

And doc, very matter-of-fact, replied, "You don't adopt her."

And that was that. She was right. We had choices. We could leave
her in a situation where her medical needs remained undiagnosed
and untreated, or we could bring her here, where she would get
good care, but the trip itself would be risky. We wanted to hear
we could make the trip without risk. But that was not an option.
We had to accept what is, and make a choice based on THAT.

Accept what is, and make a conscious, thoughtful choice based
on that. And then do it again. And then again.

YES! :-)

Kelly Sturman

--- In AlwaysLearning@..., Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

Most extreme case: give your child up for adoption. At least
consider it. Because until people have made a choice, they're not
making choices. If you choose NOT to give your child up for
adoption, you might see more clearly the obligations you have to a two
year old baby.

Sandra


 

-=-I'll admit that I do feel stretched to the limit at times, but I
think we all do at some point or another. -=-

Sure, but then the priorities will help you decide what to do when you
feel stretched.

Just saying "we all do" seems to dismiss the fact that you have
decisions to make.


-=- I specifically designed my business so I could be with my
children. I feel like they have benefited from me doing this even
though it means I can't always give them the time and attention they
want.-=-

On this list, the advice you get will be about making unschooling work.


Sandra


Robyn L. Coburn <dezigna@...>
 

It can be a really hard choice to decide to make do with less financially in order to unschool. The choice to unschool is a choice to be actively present and spend far, far more time with our own children than pretty much any other parenting philosophy, more than you think will be needed - and to continue to be present and spend far more time for longer than mainstream philosophies would expect as our children age. My dd is 9 and she wants me to play with her and talk to her and sit near to her for what is probably close to 10-12 hours every day other than when she has playdates (and I am usually nearby). She sleeps for 10, is awake for 16 (yes longer than 24 hour days) but my point is the proportion of time is still huge.

Longtime unschoolers here with teens talk about the kind of time they are spending with their teens, by the teens' invitation and desire. They talk about young adults living away who evidently still consider regular and meaningful contact with their parents as essential to their own happiness. This is the investment we are making with our little ones, and our middle ones.

Luckily Jayn and I have a lot of crossover interests. We do a lot together, including creative work, and she is more willing now to spend time with her father, and he does take her off for several hours at a time intermittently, and I then write like crazy - which is what I "do" now - writing that is definitely an investment in long term future prosperity.

I can put in earplugs and write on the other side of the room when she has certain kids over for playdates (those that tend not to need help with negotiations) but there are other kids when I choose to be much more focussed and I continue to listen more actively.

<<<<< it provides peer interaction for my younger daughter.>>>>>

So would school.

All of Jayn's playmates and associates are in her life by her choice. They are not coming in to her home because I have brought them here for reasons of my own. Having a bunch of kids foisted on your child every day, who are inescapable in her own home, is not the same as allowing her to choose her playmates from a crowd at the local home schooling park day, for instance.

<<<< It is a balancing act of meeting my business obligations, personal obligations and my children's needs.>>>>

There are other people unschooling and offering daycare in their home for greater or fewer numbers of kids. I don't know how they do it. I'm being really honest here. It seems to me that you are saying you want help finding balance, but maybe what you are really looking for is support in partly unschooling, because I don't know what really balancing a daycare and unschooling would look like.

I really don't know how daycare operators can give their own children the focus and attention that real, flourishing, magical, successful unschooling seems to demand of me for my child when they are bringing any number of other children in to their home and being asked to realize the expectations of the other children's parents on a regular basis.

Positives and negatives change when held up to the light of unschooling. Priorities change when examined through the lens of unschooling. It may be that you will never see the full benefits of unschooling, or the full amazing transcendent brilliance of natural learning moments while you are choosing to run a daycare. It's a bit like the person on Sandra's site who wrote that "unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional parenting."

I was a vegetarian for about 15 years. When I told people I was a vege, almost invariably the first thing they would say is "I don't eat much meat."

I'd said it myself to my vege friends before making the change. It's wasn't until I actually stopped eating meat that I realized just how much meat was in my diet.

Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com



I specifically designed my business so I could be with my children. I feel like they have benefited from me doing this even though it means I can't always give them the time and attention they want. I realize I made the choice to open my daycare and that choice has both positive and negative outcomes. I think the positives outweigh the negatives most of the time.

Jen




























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shepherdlass
 

I'd love to contribute to the discussion about Jen's query, but definitely
don't have the expertise. But could I ask for some advice on a question which
poses the opposite side of balancing your child's needs with your own?

My 12-year-old daughter recently joined a mixed-age (11 to around ...
um...90ish!) amateur orchestra and absolutely adores being part of it. I've also
been invited to join and would love to do so. I really like sharing time with
my daughter (a new luxury, having just taken her out of school). I also
like playing music. But my daughter is absolutely mortified that her mother
might come along to this group with her: in her words, "It'd be so
embarrassing!" I've already told her that I would not sit in the same section as her and
I'd allow her to have her own space at coffee breaks. I'd not 'baby' her in
any way. But she's adamant she doesn't want me there. I absolutely want to
respect her wishes, but I also want her to understand that I am a human being
with my own wishes and enthusiasms too. What would you do in this situation?

Jude


 

-=-Longtime unschoolers here with teens talk about the kind of time
they are
spending with their teens, by the teens' invitation and desire. -=-

On Thursday Holly wanted to skateboard to the mall. She's 17 and a
new skateboarder. I was worried that she would get hurt, or get too
tired. The neighborhoods between here and there have driveway cuts
in the sidewalk, and she's not good enough to skate up and down those
angled cuts yet. This was my angst. She wasn't wearing long
sleeves. But all I said was something like "This is like Keith
riding the motorcycle; I worry, but I want you guys to have fun." And
I told her if she wanted a ride home to call.

She took enough money for the bus. She got to the mall even though
the route she chose was closed by serious construction (we had looked
at maps of bike paths, but none went safely to the mall for
skateboards). I helped he with those things and she wanted me to.

She started home, and called for a ride, told me where she was and
that she needed the bathroom. I advised her about the nearest good
public restroom which was also right near a place I could pick her up
easily. I drove there, she was waiting on a bench, and she got in
the car.

She had gotten on a bus, but it had made a turn south and, afraid she
was on the wrong bus, she got back off. It was just going by the
other mall and would've gone east again, but she didn't know. I
didn't shame her about it at all. I just told her that any bus driver
knows all the other routes and schedules in his own area too, and that
it's really okay to say, before putting the money in the till, "I need
to get to Juan Tabo and Menaul" or whatever. Next time she's
planning to try to take a bus by herself, I'll also talk to her about
asking for a transfer.

That was Thursday.

Yesterday, Friday, I had a horribly rough morning; a friend who was
carrying twins lost one and I was assigned the job of letting our
friends know. I wasn't sure for several hours myself whether she had
lost both. This came at a bad time for me for similar other reasons,
emotionally.

I asked Holly if she would drive me to the post office. I had four
packages of copies of -Moving a Puddle- and/or Thinking Sticks to
mail. Holly, a 17 year old girl with a car to drive, a skateboard
to ride and no school said "I'd love to."

She honestly would love to drive me to the post office.

That's not one of the things I foresaw when my kids were little. I
thought they would be "typical teenagers" at some point. Holly is my
youngest and they're all much different from typical teenagers.

I do know a few unschooling families whose teens are not as sweet and
happy as mine are. Sometimes it's because of cynicism in the
families or one parent never really participated in unschooling or
there were still rules and chores and "consequences" (unnatural
consequences "imposed" by the parents and then called "natural
consequences").

Holly drove me to the post office, even though I know how to drive
myself. We had fun even though the line was slow, smiling and waving
at people's babies and toddlers, and talking about the recent doings
of her La Cueva High School friends (she has a small group of friends
she went to the homecoming dance with--limo ride and all--because she
knew one of the girls from the SCA and was invited into the group).

The plan had been we would eat lunch and she would bring me right back
home, but she cheered me up so much I was willing to stay out longer,
so we went to the mall and I bought her a pair of sandals from the
shoe store where her boyfriend works. He sold them to us using a
family and friends discount. I didn't want him to lose his commission
that way, but he said the savings was bigger than the commission
would've been. We wandered around and shopped together in a very
leisurely and peaceful way. She ran into a friend and former co-
worker who was just about to interview at Industrial, another skater
shop. She introduced me without any hesitation or embarrassment and
we had a really nice talk while she was waiting, and we probably
calmed her down and encouraged her for the interview.

Being calm and positive is contagious. Holly infected me with it
yesterday, and that was a wonderful gift.


-=-They talk
about young adults living away who evidently still consider regular and
meaningful contact with their parents as essential to their own
happiness.
This is the investment we are making with our little ones, and our
middle
ones.-=-

This is true of my Kirby, 22 and living in Austin. I sent a
housewarming card to him and his roommates and he put it on the wall.
This is true of Marty, 20, who has a 22 year old girlfriend with her
own apartment and still wants to live at home even though she invited
him to live with her. That would be inconceivable to many people.

I keep up with the lives of several other unschoolers I know whose
oldest are living with a significant other, or are at college, or have
moved away to work, and their stories are like mine. The parenting
bond doesn't have to be broken. But it does have to be built over
many years of attention and patience and compassion.

Sandra


katherand2003
 

All of Jayn's playmates and associates are in her life by her choice.
They
are not coming in to her home because I have brought them here for reasons
of my own. Having a bunch of kids foisted on your child every day, who are
inescapable in her own home, is not the same as allowing her to choose her
playmates from a crowd at the local home schooling park day, for instance.
<<<<

I am so glad I saw the significance of choice in friends for Karl as soon as
I have. He has long time friends (from his own birth) with a group of 3
siblings from a very difficult family. We were often in their company due
to a business association, which was not directly Karl's choice. When some
(in my view) extreme behavior came to a head between Karl and those siblings
(the whole family really), I wanted to make sure that his continued contact
with them was due to his own choices. There are privileges there which I
didn't want to be part of the choice and so I wanted to give him other
outlets for those privileges though I couldn't financially provide them
myself at home. So we came up with other options. Once those things were
cleared out of the picture, the factors are such now that if Karl goes over
there, it's because he wants to be with those kids not because of some other
thing or because he's tagging along with me or his dad, and there by
default.

Otherwise, the choice of one's friends is never really clear and a person
feels obliged to maintain friendships that in one's heart aren't truly one's
own but choices born and fed by habit or misplaced virtue. That is what
happens/ed to so many of us through school or church or club attendance. An
unschooled child can have much less of that kind of obligation, less
fuzziness about what friendship really means and more clarity on true
friends, when parents provide room for choice, that is.

~Katherine


jenstarc4
 

I believe the girls learn a lot from the daycare and it provides
peer interaction for my younger daughter.>>>

Two year olds don't need peer interaction. Some two yr olds enjoy the
company of other two yr olds, but for the most part, two yr olds enjoy
the company of their parents above all others. If part of your reason
for operating a childcare, was to provide peer interaction for you
little one, you should really re-examine that.

I'll admit that I do feel stretched to the limit at times, but I
think we all do at some point or another. It is a balancing act of
meeting my business obligations, personal obligations and my children's
needs. >>>

It's very common in our culture to emphasize a mom's personal time, as
seperate from mom and child time. I do understand how tiring it can be
to have little ones that have continuous demands, with seemingly no end
in sight. However a 2 yr old will soon be a 3 yr old, who will soon be
a 4 yr old. That time of endless giving a endless caring is sooooo
fleeting. It's not that a parent stops giving and caring as the kids
grow, it's that sheer intensity of a 2 yr old will dissipate as they
grow and do more and more things on their own.

I can honestly say that the more you give now, right now, each and
everyday, selflessly, the sooner and more able your little one will not
need you so intensely. A 2 yr old is still very much like a baby, still
very much attatched, much like an extension of mom, or an extra
appendage, like an umbilical cord, that will eventually not be needed to
do the feeding because there will be other better ways to meet that
need.


jenstarc4
 


There are other people unschooling and offering daycare in their home
for
greater or fewer numbers of kids. I don't know how they do it. I'm
being
really honest here. It seems to me that you are saying you want help
finding
balance, but maybe what you are really looking for is support in
partly
unschooling, because I don't know what really balancing a daycare and
unschooling would look like.

Well, we just started watching the neighbor girl before and after
school. Her regular sitter moved rather suddenly and they were
desperate and we were available and convenient. I didn't enter into
this lightly. I discussed it over the course of 2 weeks with my family,
while watching her temporarily, with the full knowledge on both ends
that I'd make a final decision before that time was up.

The first week was a regular school week and the second one, was spring
break. It was enough for all of us to know that it will be fine for the
next couple of months, but it won't work for summer care, where she'd be
here all day, each and every day, like during spring break.

If it stops working for our family, I will give a 2 week notice. Both
of my kids know this, so they have an out if it gets to be too much for
them to handle having another child here. So far, it's been ok, with a
few bumps here and there, but these things are easily avoided with full
on interaction and things to do to occupy their time, similar, in many
ways, in which parents can help siblings get along.

Otherwise, I've avoided doing regular long term childcare because my
priority is to my own children, and I want both of my kids to know that
without a doubt. Adding other kids that aren't mine, changes
priorities.


 

-=-My 12-year-old daughter recently joined a mixed-age (11 to around ...
um...90ish!) amateur orchestra and absolutely adores being part of it.
I've also
been invited to join and would love to do so. I really like sharing
time with
my daughter (a new luxury, having just taken her out of school). -=-

Let her have the orchestra.

Had she been out of school for years, she might want you to be there
too, but part of unschooling will be her finding her own place in the
world now that she's not a sixth grader or whatever she had found
herself being.

If the orchestra fails, let that slide. If it's solid and succeeds
(maybe it's a longterm thing and will still be there), maybe join next
season.

In the meantime, what about a chamber group or some easy baroque stuff
you could do with another friend or two, and invite your daughter to
get in on if she wants?

Sandra


jenstarc4
 

I'd allow her to have her own space at coffee breaks. I'd not 'baby'
her in
any way. But she's adamant she doesn't want me there. I absolutely
want to
respect her wishes, but I also want her to understand that I am a
human being
with my own wishes and enthusiasms too. What would you do in this
situation?

I'd say, honor her wishes! It's waaaay too soon, after being taken out
of school, for you to have this kind of relationship with her. You have
to show her through words and actions that you honor her decisions and
wishes. Only by doing this repeatedly for a lengthy enough time, will
she be able to see you differently.

Find other ways to play music with her, maybe ask her to share what new
pieces she's learned in the orchestra. You could offer to practice with
her outside of orchestra time. Or just fiddle around with music and
invite her to join.


shepherdlass
 

I'd say, honor her wishes! It's waaaay too soon, after being taken out
of school, for you to have this kind of relationship with her. You have
to show her through words and actions that you honor her decisions and
wishes. >.

Let her have the orchestra.
Had she been out of school for years, she might want you to be there
too, but part of unschooling will be her finding her own place in the
world now that she's not a sixth grader or whatever she had found
herself being.>

Not join. In fact the band program my daughter's in needed a bassist
and I offered but she apologized and said no. We do a lot together,
writing group and an anime group, but the band was her thing.

Kids need some freedom to work on their relationships without a
parent nearby. They also need things that belong to them.>


Thank you all so much for the advice - it's really appreciated. I must
admit this was my gut instinct, and my daughter's already gone to 3 rehearsals
without me there. But I have been feeling increasingly undermined by the
other adults there (who I see when I drop Jess off and pick her up). They've
made it clear that they see me as a total wimp because I acquiesced to my
child's wishes. I'm so glad there are other people like yourselves who can
reassure someone who's still just beginning to find their way.
Jude x


Joyce Fetteroll
 

On Apr 4, 2009, at 1:37 PM, JudithAnneMurphy@... wrote:

But she's adamant she doesn't want me there. I absolutely want to
respect her wishes, but I also want her to understand that I am a
human being
with my own wishes and enthusiasms too. What would you do in this
situation?
Not join. In fact the band program my daughter's in needed a bassist
and I offered but she apologized and said no. We do a lot together,
writing group and an anime group, but the band was her thing.

Kids need some freedom to work on their relationships without a
parent nearby. They also need things that belong to them.

If you want to grow a better relationship with her, don't join. If
you want to sacrifice an opportunity to grow it to make a point you
could join. But honestly the lesson she'd pick up isn't that you have
you're own enthusiasms but that your enthusiasms are more important
than her or her feelings.

Joyce


cathyandgarth <familialewis@...>
 

--- In AlwaysLearning@..., Jennifer Croce <jennifercroce37@...> wrote:
 
I run my home daycare and am the primary person responsible for all the domestic and child related duties. 
When my son was young (2ish) I thought long and hard about starting a home daycare. There is a HUGE need for these in our community and at first it seemed like the perfect way for me to make money and stay home with my children. I even *babysat* a friend's baby/toddler for 9 months, 3 days a week. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was no reasonable way that I could design this business so that I could REALLY spend more time with my children. Not only that but our home/refuge would no longer be that for us -- for most of the week it wouldn't be our house it would be a place of business. Even DH, who would have loved for a second income, could see that it would really end up sucking away at our time and freedom, costing us more in less tangible ways than I could ever make up for in money. And this was all long before I discovered the concept or lifestyle of unschooling.

I think that it will be difficult to find balance when you can't give your children's needs the weight they deserve because of all the other things going on and pulling you in various directions in your house each day. I am not saying don't do a daycare, but I am saying that I don't think that there is going to be an "easy for you" way around this issue -- running a daycare and having an unschooling lifestyle seem like difficult things to balance.

On a more practical note, could you have sat down with her and invited other children to join you two? Sometimes she might be okay just having you down on the floor playing with her, even if other children are playing there as well. Sometimes she might just be crazing one-on-one time.

Cathy